I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
if only i could text you this smell
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
