News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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