i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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