I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
