I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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