things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
