She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
