The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
it's like iHOP with fire
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
