I faked an abortion last night.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
