Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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