So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize