I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
