omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
