Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
