First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Randomize
