she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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