i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
