1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
