MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
