Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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