At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Randomize