When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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