She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
this is an emotional support booty call
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
