someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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