GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
