he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
