I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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