i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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