She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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