The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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