i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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