If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
