he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
