Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
it hurts more in the daytime
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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