I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
love makes seman taste better
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
