Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
