What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
