No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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