I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
