Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
