I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
