He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Randomize