So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
