Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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