then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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