got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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