Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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