if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
