Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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