my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
