mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
