I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
