You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
