You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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