Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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