Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
