He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
