One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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