Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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