I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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