how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
