My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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