Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
